Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen

Introduction

This book switches up the notion that feedback is the responsibility of the ‘giver’, and moves to the notion that the onus is more on the ‘receiver’ of the feedback.  Both authors are lecturers at Harvard Law School and describe how critical it is that we learn to receive feedback because the receiver of the feedback is in charge of what they let in, and how and whether or not they choose to adapt as a result of the feedback.

 It describes, how from an early age we are constantly receiving feedback, even when we are not asking for it.  It focuses on work life, and home life and is an honest look at why receiving feedback is hard and provides a framework and some tools that can help you to make use of the feedback you are receiving. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Summary

In the broadest sense, this book is about how we learn about ourselves from our experiences and from other people – how we learn from life.

It says that in the workplace, no matter how good the person who is giving us feedback and how valid the information we are receiving is if the receiver isn’t willing or able to absorb the feedback, then there’s only so far persistence or even good delivery can go. 

 The receivers are in control, which is where the complexities start to appear.  As humans we fundamentally want to be: loved, accepted, and respected just as we are, so when feedback tells us otherwise – we become defensive, offended, and sometimes annoyed.

In essence, receiving feedback sits at the intersection of our drive to learn and our longing for acceptance.

It describes the following benefits of being able to receive feedback:

·       Relationships are richer.

·       Our self-esteem more secure.

·       We learn – we get better at things and feel good about that.

·       Our toughest feedback interactions feel like learning.

Effective feedback comes in three ways:

1.       Appreciation – this is being seen and understood by others matters deeply which motivates you.

2.     Coaching – this type of feedback is aimed at trying to help someone learn, grow and change.

3.     Evaluation – this type tells you where you stand, it is a description of where you are now and where you need to be.  We need all three types to satisfy our human needs.

What resonated?

1.       Research on happiness identifies that ongoing learning and growth is a core ingredient of satisfaction in life.

2.     Learning about ourselves can be painful and sometimes brutal.

3.     Feedback is good for you.

4.     Receiving feedback well doesn’t mean you always have to accept it; it means engaging in the conversation skilfully and making thoughtful choices about whether and how to use the information you are being presented with.

5.     We reject feedback when it takes the following form; Truth, Relationship, and Identity - these are described as triggers;

a.    The Truth Trigger is set off by the substance of the feedback itself – it is somehow off, unhelpful, or simply untrue.

b.    The Relationship Trigger is tripped by a particular person who is giving us feedback.  This is because we will have reactions based on what we believe about the giver (they’ve got no credibility) or how we feel treated by the giver (after all I’ve done for you).  This shifts our focus from what is being said to the person giving the feedback.

c.     The Identity Trigger focuses on neither the feedback nor the person offering it.  These triggers are all about us as people.  Whether the feedback is right or wrong, wise or witless, something about it has caused our identity – our sense of who we are – to come undone. We start to question ourselves and what we stand for.

6.     Don’t react to feedback too quickly, instead consider the other person’s intentions.  It might be someone’s delivery style rather than their intention that caused an unfavourable reaction. Remember that what other people think is valuable, even if they don’t always articulate it well.  This is because they see you from the outside which means they have the information you cannot get on your own because it sits in your blind spot.

7.     Work on developing a growth mindset and challenging your thinking.

8.     It gives these 3 questions for both the giver and the receiver of feedback:   

a.    What is my purpose in giving/receiving this feedback?

b.    Is it the right purpose from my point of view?

c.     Is it the right purpose from the other person’s point of view?

9.     When we receive negative feedback, we can begin to react more favourably by being mindful in the moment, and by separating the feelings/story/feedback by asking ourselves:

a.    What am I feeling? – try to name it – anxiety, shame, anger, sadness, surprise, etc.  Also, pay attention to the physical changes the feedback evokes.

b.    What is the story I’m telling (and inside that story, what’s the threat)? Pay particular attention to where you feel threatened.

c.     What’s the actual feedback? Try to navigate a space so that you have time to assess the actual feedback and its validity, in order to have a reasoned response.

10.   Rejecting feedback can be as easy as saying no thanks or walking away or simply saying nothing. They offer, you decline and it’s over. Although that is quite simplistic, as often the feedback keeps coming and this is where boundaries play an important part. These are the 3 boundary strategies described in the book:

a.    I may not take your advice – this is the softest reaction.  I am willing to listen.  I will consider your input. But I may not end up taking it.

b.    I don’t want feedback about that subject, not right now – with this boundary, you are deciding your right to be free of the feedback altogether.

c.     Stop or I will leave the relationship – this third boundary is described as the starkest.  If there is constant negative feedback then you decide whether that relationship is valid, this may include friendships, colleagues, partners, etc.

 Favourite Quotes

 “People who are willing to look at themselves are easier to work with and to live with.  These people are grounded and open, trusting and humorous, leading to higher levels of productivity and problem-solving.”

 “In our personal lives, our ability to deal with complaints, and requests from loved ones and friends are crucial.  Our ability to sort out how we are feeling, why we’re upset, where we are bumping into one another, drives long-term healthier and happiness in those relationships.”

Conclusion

 Did I like this book?  Yes, I did, although a little long, and sometimes I thought it was more relevant to professionals such as; coaches, mentors, learning and development trainers, and organisational development facilitators – they certainly would gain a lot from reading the book.

However, I would recommend this book to anyone if you struggle with receiving feedback and want to develop strategies for receiving feedback better.