Introduction

I’m breaking the mould a little with this book review, as it’s quite personal and introspective. 

Anita Rani is a TV Presenter best known for presenting Country File, she also competed in the 2015 Strictly Come Dancing programme, which in itself broke cultural moulds and barriers.

Anita is of Punjabi background, as am I and her book takes you through her journey and experiences growing up a Punjabi girl in the UK.  Bradford born and bred, Anita brings to life the many contradictions of Punjabi lifestyles and then wraps it up with an exploration of her adulthood and her experience when featuring in the ‘Who do you think you are BBC programme looking at family histories, where Anita went on a journey into not only her past but the wounds British colonialism left on India after 1947, which led to the formation of Pakistan, Punjab and Bangladesh.

What resonated?

Anita is so brave, wise and witty throughout this memoir.  Anita describes how she had to navigate her Indian home world and the British world outside her front door, and the obligation to adhere to the expectations of her Punjabi family and its deeply embedded culture, which ultimately led to the feeling of not fitting in anywhere, which is something I can certainly resonate with and I’ll describe just a few of those from my own perspective below.

 1.       Boys and the rules once a girl has her period – I went from playing football with boys on my street and a nickname of Jackie Pele to “I can’t come out to play” overnight and the boys couldn’t understand why and to be fair I couldn’t either.  Nothing was explained to me and I was just left to fathom the whole thing out for myself.  I felt ashamed of my impending womanhood and saddened that I lost my best friends virtually overnight.

 2.     Wearing Indian clothes - I don’t actually own any Indian clothes and it’s because I feel so uncomfortable in them (an imposter).  As a child growing up in Mansfield in the 1970s, a small mining town with little or no Asian community, I often got caught up in a barrage of questions, for example, why does your Mum wear curtains? Or you look like a Christmas tree.  Even after my arranged marriage, I would be so embarrassed to be outside wearing my Indian clothes I used to do a quick dash from the front door to the awaiting car so that the neighbours didn’t see me.  Anita summed it up really well when she described how, as a small girl, she had been to the temple wearing her Indian clothes and upon arriving home, the ice cream van arrived on her street.  Wishing to have ice cream, her Mum said it would be fine to go out a collect one from the ice cream van, whilst still wearing her Indian clothes.  However, whilst in the queue, she stood beside a ‘friend’ – who said “Oh I didn’t realise you were one of them” – this girl had befriended a very British version of Rani and could not align herself with this other version.

 3.    Boyfriends and marriage – boyfriends were absolutely out of the question when growing up and again I would be a bystander whilst all my friends were seeing boys and having teenage crushes, but for me, even the thought of such a thing sent my mind into feelings of guilt and shame when I never actually had a boyfriend; plenty of secret crushes though.  Then the inevitable day arrives of being coerced and almost guilted into having an arranged marriage.  Now don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t handcuffs and coercion, it was more of a naïve acceptance that I couldn’t rebel or go against my parents, so the easiest thing becomes to ‘go along with it’ rather than bring shame on the family.  I must admit, I am not a believer in arranged marriages and I understand that for some, they work out wonderfully, but I believe in freedom and the basic human right of being able to choose.  I spent so much of my childhood trying to ‘fit in’ and Anita says “It’s a crazy idea that we should always fit in! So small-minded. So reductive. Sometimes you just don’t.”

4.    Emotional intelligence (EQ) and intelligence quotient (IQ) -I’ve picked on these two areas too because I feel that both are hindered by the way that my generation was raised.  There are little or no opportunities to develop emotional intelligence because unless you ‘rebel’ and go against your parent’s wishes there are no opportunities to grow emotionally, instead, you are left with internal emotional turmoil while you try to navigate your way through your childhood.  With IQ, this is more so for girls of my generation, as often, it was assumed that we would not go to university, as there would be no way parents would allow such as thing unless, of course, you were fortunate enough to be going off to study medicine or law.  When I was 13 my dad chose my subjects for me at school – all the sciences, which I was pretty rubbish at and also had little interest in.  This led to my feeling pretty ‘dumb’ – I would never have described myself as a clever person at school, but I was and am.  I just was never enabled to find my niche or follow my strengths. If I was, I may have been in a completely different career today.  I turned out to be a late bloomer and obtained my degree and found my passions in my 40s.

 5.     Females figureheads – as described by Anita below, before reading this book, I never really thought about the hardship and fierce determination that Asian females had in bringing up their children in a totally alien society.  How much easier would it have been for them, if they remained in their homeland, but you know, not once have I ever heard my Mum say anything of that hardship.  To leave what you’ve always known and come to England must have been so hard.  Asian women often turn out to be the rocks or the glue that keep Asian families together, through their grit and determination to attempt to balance two worlds.  Yes, they haven’t and don’t always get things right (who does?) but they still deserve credit for their stoicism.

Favourite Quotes

 “I’ve spent so long trying to fit in, learning what’s required of me and adapting to any given situation, I may have just lost the point of who I am.”

  “When it comes to matters of the heart or sexuality, Asian kids of my generation are often screwed. And I don’t mean the fun kind! No boyfriends or girlfriends are allowed. Ever. But marriage is a MUST. So how the heck do we learn about relationships?”

 “Please spend some time on self-reflection. I know you are scared; I know looking into the past terrifies you, but you need to face your beast because it’s holding you down, it will consume you, and corrode you from the inside.  You’ll smile, smile, smile on the outside, yet internally there’s a deep hollow.  Making other people smile is also not the answer.  As much as you love doing it, and ‘doing the right thing’, fuck ‘em.  Don’t be afraid to find your true power, and your true power lies in being you.  Don’t worry about making everyone happy, because you’ll wake up at 40 wondering who the fuck you are.”

 “I’m connected to these women.  I feel them.  It’s their courage and strength I admire the most.  This generation of women had to straddle so many worlds and leave their own behind.  Nothing in their lives was easy and they worked so hard to ensure a better life for their children.  Looking after everyone, but I’m not sure anyone ever looked after them. Maybe they didn’t need looking after.  But they were certainly never understood.”

Conclusion

Did I like this book?  Yes, I did, it also upset me, and challenged me to rethink many things and re-examine my memories with new ‘eyes’.

 I would recommend reading this book two-fold.  Firstly, if you are from an ethnic background, especially Punjabi because the book will make you laugh, cry, question your identity and help you to stand up and be counted for the wonderful human being you are.

And secondly, if you are not from an ethnic background but want to understand your friends, family members or colleagues a little better, on both counts be mindful that you’ll be on a journey that makes you think and challenge your preconceptions.

One final takeaway from this book is that it is a deeply meaningful and diverse examination of identity that creates a lasting impact.  Anita has managed to empower people from a whole range of social and cultural backgrounds through her words in this memoir.

 Fantastic read, thoroughly recommend.